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Betsy's question: Where's
the bright light?
BeiYin's answer: From this question
it seems that you have a kind of vision that this 'light' exists, although
you are not able to see it. The cause might be, that your eyes are closed
or you are still wearing narrow blinders. Instead of asking 'where' it
is, you might need to ask why you don't see it. If there is no concrete
answer, then the best will be to trust that the light will show up in it's
time when you are ready. Now your vision might be too much depending on
your personal image and that might be an obstacle and just from those 'blinders'
you are wearing.
Betsy's comment: I felt something
before and don't see that I feel it now. So yes, this is a kind of vision.
So by asking this, I feel its a reality check. You are right, the question
isn't ‘where it is’, its ‘why I don't see it’. This is practical advice
then, to ask and try to find out, even though you give the answer… Okay,
so I know the blinders are still in place, that at least is something.
If no answer comes from my question, then I can see how trusting is a much
better alternative than crying over something that isn't yet ready.
Betsy's question: Where's
the flooding of understanding?
BeiYin's answer: Understanding
is the result of a process and comes by itself, it must not be forced,
otherwise it might be just a means for survival purposes. 'Knowing and
understanding' might be part of your personal 'property', from this probably
you get your 'self confirmation'. Clinging and defending this property
is an obstacle to go beyond...
Betsy's comment: This question
probably comes from another vision of mine, asking it for the same reasons
as the one above. In any case, I agree with what you say here about understanding.
Do I ask this because that for me is what is most valid? Perhaps, this
is true. I will look at it.
Betsy's question: How
does it feel to come home to one's being?
BeiYin's answer: With this question
you are looking to secure yourself of a state you don't know. You only
can 'come home' when you give up your clinging to your momentary existence
which in a certain way is holding onto a dream state, but you are afraid
to wake up and asking how it will be to wake up, - before you dare to do
any step further...
Betsy's comment: I see that in
asking these questions I am trying to determine if I am awake or not. I
don't feel that I'm there, because I have some type of vision that hints
at what it could be like. It doesn't seem that the normal confirmation
seeking personality could be so honest and ask such a question, but then
it becomes more obvious with the visible reacting disappointment when the
desire is not met. So there must be a clinging to this desire.
.
Betsy's question: There
doesn't seem to be a way to know.
BeiYin's answer: There are too
many ways 'to know' and all have very little to do with reality which only
can come out of the direct experience of life.
Betsy's comment: When I say this,
I am conceding that the personality can't understand it.
BeiYin: If the 'personality' can't
understand who then understands?
Betsy: I'm realizing that this
most likely is the basis of my clinging to my momentary existence, my great
need to know or understand. Feeling myself in this way, arising from the
turning of the personality, is what makes it feel to me that I exist. So
then I'm saying that I'm sensing that I have to let go of this ‘way’ to
think that I know, seeing that this causes the turning defense game of
interpretation, keeping one fully identified with this structure. So it
appears that looking and observing, allows a response from a different
source beyond the usual defending of reactions, which looks to be a direct
knowing and understanding. So maybe then there is subsequent understanding
reflected in the personal structure, but it's only momentary, one shouldn't
cling to it.
.
Betsy's question: Am
I expecting too much?
BeiYin's answer: Yes you do, on
the other hand expectation is the motor which moves you. Also causes
disappointment, frustration and suffering, bringing you to painful situations,
which will make you question yourself...
Betsy's comment: So the vision
can be the motor to urge you on, and the disappointments the reality check,
turning you back to yourself.
.
Betsy's question: Am
I clinging to understanding?
BeiYin's answer: Yes you do. This
is just natural and the way human personality is surviving.
Betsy's comment: Even though its
all interpreted.
BeiYin: There is no objective reality
in personal understanding. All is subjective and result of interpretation,
based upon the personal background structure.
.
Betsy's question: Am
I detaching from my own reactions?
BeiYin's answer: To be able to
observe your own reactions it needs a certain detachment. Most people are
sucked into their reaction and they are not able to observe. The reaction
is giving 'identity' and proof of one's existence, because the personality
is formed out of emotions and thoughts. So humans in general and each person
is constantly looking for confirmation. It is a long process to come to
the point to question these automatic reactions. Before this happens everything
will be done to protect one's property. There is a sophisticated defense
system built up and unless a person is ready, so will not question this
established system or even listen to anything which might question it with
the danger that it might be reduced. So if you feel that you are detaching
from your own reactions, that shows that you have probably suffered enough
and that you are open to do your first steps beyond your 'personality'.
Betsy's comment: I do feel more
open and humbled right now due to the last round of suffering, so I feel
renewed with determination to continue the quest to find out about myself.
So this new attitude seems to give the necessary distance to more objectively
observe. But also it seems strange in that it feels split, and there was
fear in asking because I remember in the past when I couldn't even acknowledge
my own reactions.
.
Betsy's question: Am
I adopting a new position?
BeiYin's answer: On your walk you
are using stepping stones. You are using one to go to the next. With each
one you have a new position. This position is always 'new' but it gives
a certain security and that is what you still need; although there are
other ways to survive, for example to adapt oneself easily to any situation,
probably by not relating or responding, only with the minimum of effort
to avoid problems by going too deep into a challenge...
Betsy's comment: When I say ‘adopt’
I mean dream up. I understand more when you say ‘adapt’. That makes sense
in that you grow from one stage to the next, and each one is new or different
from the previous. Why is the security needed? Is it that I still need
it or do all growing systems need it? I see a new challenge…
BeiYin: Probably all existing systems
are striving for security, unless there are reactions of self-destruction
which then might serve the survival of the species.
.
Betsy's question: Am
I looking for a new role?
BeiYin's answer: With every step
you do, your role might change. With this you are adapting yourself to
new situations. Probably you are not 'looking' for new roles in the first
place, because this adapting happens 'automatically', but it might also
be that you are looking for something new to experience yourself in a different
way, because the old way didn't give you enough satisfaction and confirmation
anymore.
Betsy's comment: I understand the
first part, where you are talking about the growing process and adaptation.
The second part is what I'm worried about in that I see its the personality
reasserting itself. The same old confirmation game still being played.
BeiYin: The need to be confirmed
in one's existence is a natural part of being in general and belongs to
all existence, beginning from the first cell up to the highest form of
consciousness. This is inseparable part of the growing process and
it is good not to see this in a negative way, although it shows many negative
aspects on the path...
.
Betsy's question: Am
I splitting further apart?
BeiYin's answer: Not necessarily,
because your system is doing every thing to keep itself together and defending
it's state of being.
Betsy's comment: The system being
the inbuilt survival mechanism?
BeiYin: All systems have an inbuilt
survival mechanism which is part of the inbuilt growing force.
.
Betsy's question: Am
I fooling myself again?
BeiYin's answer: Of course that's
what you are doing! There is no other way. This is part of your existence,
fooling yourself you survive.
Betsy's comment: I don't understand
this answer.
Laura's comment: Does this mean
that especially Betsy is fooling herself or do you mean this in general
for every body?
BeiYin: Every body is fooling oneself,
more or less, I guess there is no exception in this. The first step is
to look at this fact and accept it, then it might be possible to go beyond.
Only then, because as long we believe in our precious knowledge and wisdom,
getting our self confirmation out of it, then we will always be fooling
ourselves.
Betsy: So it looks like you are
saying that the ‘fooling oneself’ syndrome happens because we are growing,
which is somehow related to our inbuilt reactions that are there for the
purpose of our continued survival. I can now see that all these reactions
coming from the personality are defensive, thus making sense that these
happen automatic with the sole purpose to keep us alive. This understanding
is what I think allows a more objective viewpoint to be able to just observe
them.
.
Betsy's question: Have
I adopted a more clever defense?
BeiYin's answer: Yes of course.
Your learning goes into all directions, especially and in the first place
to help you to survive.
Betsy's comment: Survive, survive,
survive…
BeiYin: Maybe it would be a useful
exercise to make a list of all the different ways you are using to defend
yourself. You have to look really near to discover the very sophisticated
tricks the personality is using. That means reacting to influences or -
not reacting...
Betsy: I have been doing this,
and so far I see that I use the ‘not reacting’ technique
quite a bit.
.
Betsy's question: I
fear, that I'm not done with all this yet.
BeiYin's answer: Of course not.
What is your expectation? You are looking for an 'instant' method? Why
is there fear? Because you are tired of experiencing disappointment and
frustration? You want to get out of your painful existence? So you are
caught in your experience, you want to get out of it but at the same time
it gives you proof of your existence and this you don't want to miss or
let go.
Betsy's comment: I would like an
instant method that's for sure. Yes, I am tired of experiencing this appointment
and frustration. Yes I want to get out of my painful existence and yes
it looks like I'm caught in my experience because it gives me proof, and
this I can't let go of. This is reality, this is what it means to
survive? Better to accept this truth and learn how best to deal with
it?
BeiYin: Yes, it might be the best
to accept information which can help you to get out of your conflict. It
is not the question how 'to deal best' but to be willing to go through...
Betsy: As I understand it, the
personality feels it is surviving because one is getting one's proof of
existence by defending the reactions happening there. So it seems that
once one sees clearly how this survival game works, then one can just stop
defending the reactions, or not giving energy to that anymore. Is that
letting go or willingness to go through?
.
Betsy's question: Is
there ever an end to this?
BeiYin's answer: There might be
an end if there is an end to your fear and this is part of your growing
process and depends in good part on you. You are not a victim of your own
fear. This is a reaction to protect your system. Be aware of it! Then you
will be able to go beyond.
Betsy's comment: Okay, I will look
to see when it arises.
.
Betsy's question: I
fear, because I don't know.
BeiYin's answer: So now with this
you 'know' where you can start in an effective way.
Betsy's comment: Okay.
.
Betsy's question: I
feel like I'm in limbo.
BeiYin's answer: This is your fear
because you are not in the state of limbo, for this you are still too full.
It is your fear which makes you feel like in limbo, you are clinging on
all the stuff which gives you identity. At the same time there is an urge
to let go and this conflict provokes fear.
Betsy's comment: I agree I'm still
too full, so it must be fear that creates the feeling. However, I don't
know what to do about the conflict that's provoking this.
BeiYin: You don't need to do anything
and you can't do anything. It is a load you are carrying with you, it is
not possible just to drop it. You are the load! You are identified with
it, it gives you the feeling of existence and out of this you are reacting
and responding to whatever comes near to you. As long you are identified
with your 'load' you are also identified with your reactions and this gives
you confirmation. Now you are in parts aware of your reactions and so with
this you are becoming aware also of your load. And this is already enough,
you don't need to do anything. This part of the 'load' you are becoming
aware of, will drop by itself...
Betsy: Okay, I understand that
I am the load and see why I can't drop it, because I'm identified with
it. So it does look like that becoming aware of the load is enough.
.
Betsy's question: I
feel I'm at a critical point.
BeiYin's answer: Do you see it
as an opportunity to go forward in a new and creative way? What is 'critical'
about it?
Betsy's comment: I feel this opportunity
is here (again), and it seems critical in that I'm tired of the old way
and want to go forward in a new and creative way. And I don't have very
much trust right now in that I won't grab onto something fairly soon, to
keep the personality game turning around.
.
Betsy's question: I
feel empty with nothing defined.
BeiYin's answer: Is it the feeling
of 'transition' with the outlook to a new field which opens up to a new
horizon? You might need to allow... You might need to trust the inbuilt
'growing force' within yourself, this will bring you over the critical
point of feeling empty.
Betsy's comment: I suppose it's
like the feeling of transition, in that I don't feel like I've attached
to any understanding. I feel humbled from my recent experiences and feel
wide open for something else.
.
Betsy's question: I
know I don't want to go back.
BeiYin's answer: So then don't
look back. It is the challenge now you need to confront, relating and responding
out of your capacity, just as good as you can. Your 'past' is pushing you
and gives you also the necessary means to go ahead.
Betsy's comment: It gives some
comfort knowing there is some support. I agree, the challenge right now
is to confront, relate and respond as best as I'm able to what presents.
It helps having a little more distance.
.
Betsy's question: I
know I don't want to cling.
BeiYin's answer: But do you know
that clinging is the most natural way to survive of any existing being,
so better to accept this and deal with it. Why you don't want to cling?
Your experience is that you are clinging and this is in contradiction of
what you want because you know that you can't get free with clinging. So
there is a conflict and you are fighting. Might it not be better to get
to know the reason for your clinging and just observe it when it happens?
Betsy's comment: This makes quite
a bit of sense. Yes, better to observe it when it happens and get to know
the reason, then you aren't fighting against it.
.
Betsy's question: I
know I don't want to live these dreams.
BeiYin's answer: But the fact is
that you are dreaming and you don't wake up just by wanting to wake up.
So what happens now because of your wish is that in your dream you dream
that you are awake. So you are not waking up but you are creating just
another dream. This is common and one of the many aspects caused by your
'knowing'.
Betsy's comment: I know that you
can't wake up by wanting to wake up. But also I admit that this goes round
and round, so I have the wish and also the dream. Does praying for grace
help?
BeiYin: You are living and you
are relating and responding the best you are capable, are you?
Apart of this you are meditating regularly. I
think this is all what is needed. You can pray if this feels right for
you, probably it will not damage anybody...
.
Betsy's question: Only one thing seems
certain: I just want to
find out who I am.
BeiYin's answer: Now it depends
how intense this wish is. You want to find out even with the risk that
you might discover that there is nothing left and you might fall into just
nothingness?
Betsy's comment: Yes.
BeiYin: OK, then just go ahead.
Trust yourself and trust the growing force within yourself. You will not
fall into 'nothingness' this is just an image produced by fear. Now you
have all the tools needed and you have the full support by everything around
you and all what shows up in front of you.
Betsy: I feel that fear of falling
into a ‘nothingness’-image. But also it must be that to conquer this, one
can just use the tools of observation, trusting in oneself and all that
is around by relating to what life presents.
.
Betsy's question: Maybe for now, I
just cling to that observing as best as I can.
BeiYin's answer: There is no clinging
necessary. For now you just live and enjoy life the best you can, which
also means to be as responsible as you can, relating and responding the
best you can to whatever shows up in your life... To whatever!!
Betsy's comment: I sense this,
being more open to observing everything around and inside, no matter what
it is. I think with the attitude of this intention to find out and challenging
one's own reactions, it should be possible.
Jeremy:You ask too
many questions. SHUT UP and be one with nature!! MAO TAE
BeiYin: To tell this person, who is asking
all these questions, to shut up and to be with nature, is similar as to
ask an alcoholic not to drink or a drug addict not to take drugs, or an
work addict not to work too much, or a person in deep depression to ask
better to be happy...
The next consequent step in your philosophy would
be to ask people to take off their cloth and live in trees and only to
eat leaves and once and a while a fat worm or bug. I guess you are practicing
your philosophy for yourself and can give us more detailed advises. Or
is it enough for you just to shout your instant wisdom into the Internet
forest?
When this person had ask those many questions,
then obviously they came out of an urge to express herself and out of the
need to find clearness in a conflict situation. And as these questions
were send to me, so I felt the responsibility to answer them. If you would
have taken the effort to read my answers, then you would have seen that
the essence of my response is not
so different than your advice except that I wouldn't
tell a person who is seriously searching to shut up. When a person is asking
and showing to be capable to use her intellect, then this faculty can be
used to find an answer. One should be able to see the difference if a person
is stuck in one's intellect and using this just for self confirmation as
a kind of mind masturbation or is using it as part of one's natural
resources to do a growing step towards that what you call 'nature'! It
is obvious that reducing one's abilities to a more primitive state of being
by excluding one's mind is not an intelligent solution. Probably you also
vote that a tranquilizer is added to the drinking water of population to
keep them all like zombies what they in general are anyway.
When I have posted those questions to news groups,
then because with the thought that in selected groups with similar subjects,
there would be people who are interested in an exchange and so having the
possibility to go to my Web site to read the answers and having the possibility
to participate in a creative discussion. Who wants to shut up, can do this
freely and this is done without your advice in abundance. What do you think
why news groups are all more or less all dead? If they are not yet totally
dead, then for sure they will when following your advice. So don't tell
me to shut up answering questions and don't ask somebody who is expressing
oneself to shut up.
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